Post-college potpourri

    So it is pretty late and I am in pain.  I cannot find the ability to write and therefore cannot work out what I am feeling. I feel very conflicted and lost.  Its actually mildly comical.  Life leads you along this path or acceptable pursuit or at least a vague direction.  And alas, when we finally come to the end of that road we shit our pants with fear of having to make a hard, honest decision.  I cannot help how ridiculous American problems are.  We love to piss and moan about menial annoyances (much like I am doing now), but rarely face the true problems of the world.  I am reminded of commericals advertising medication for restless leg syndrome. I almost laughed out loud the first time I saw it.  Its probably a concern for some, but restless legs? Its just so typical of this country. How about AIDS, influenza, polio, Dhenge fever, typhoid, malaria, hepatitis, tuberculosis or the whole host of other diseases that kill hundreds of thousands of people around the world every years, many of them being preventable.  Nope. In America our dicks are limp, bodies bloated, chemicals imbalanced, and legs restless.  I don't mean to harp on the US or the people who may "suffer" from these popculture maladies, but it does not set a great example abroad. 

    Its almost as though I don't exactly know who I am.  It is a logical carousel trying to explain the notion of "true self."  I am who I am but not who I want to be.  There has always been a schism as few people, I think, are who they want to be, if they ever care to think about it at all.   I have such hope for this life and such fear at the same time.  I know that who I am now will not who I will always be, but who I will be (for better or worse) depends on who I am now, just as who I was determined who I am now.  Round and round we go. So now if we know who we are and we know who we want to be, why can't they be the same?  Is the want not strong enough or do we just need something to constantly aspire to? Because we could always be "better," right? If the want is not strong enough, why not? Is it external factors (ie society {the traditional fallguy}, emotional issues, shitty childhood, whatever) or are we accountable to our own wants?

    Furthermore, is it a want or a need? Do we need to be who we want to be? Motion sick yet? Personally, I think its is a need. I feel like I need to be who I want to be, therefore I need to be who I need to be. But does it make a difference if its a want or a need if you still find no way to get there? Maybe this is why few care to figure it out. Its just too compicated as each successive question only gets farther from the answer. Essentially, leaving linguistic subtlety aside, I guess the real question is how do I get there? I know where I need to go, but have no map and its dark outside. Sometimes I meet rays of light and I am grateful, but I know this journey must be undertaken alone because it is unique to me.  So I am left directionless and disoriented waiting for the sun to rise. But I am not without hope.  I see the journies traveled down the unknown road and they are inspiring.  My road will not be a highway, it will be a rural route if not a dirt path.  I suppose this is were the repitious metaphor will come to an end.  Ah, symbolism how fun you can be.

    Thank you anyone who took the time to read this typical ramble of mine. I guess for the first time in my life I truly feel ignorant and humbled by this knowledge. Paz y amor a todos. Cuidense, Alejandro.