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August 2007 
Post-college potpourri
Posted on Aug 4th, 2007
by 
Alejandro
Alejandro
So it is pretty late and I am in pain. I cannot find the ability to write and therefore cannot work out what I am feeling. I feel very conflicted and lost. Its actually mildly comical. Life leads you along this path or acceptable pursuit or at least a vague direction. And alas, when we finally come to the end of that road we shit our pants with fear of having to make a hard, honest decision. I cannot help how ridiculous American problems are. We love to piss and moan about menial annoyances (much like I am doing now), but rarely face the true problems of the world. I am reminded of commericals advertising medication for restless leg syndrome. I almost laughed out loud the first time I saw it. Its probably a concern for some, but restless legs? Its just so typical of this country. How about AIDS, influenza, polio, Dhenge fever, typhoid, malaria, hepatitis, tuberculosis or the whole host of other diseases that kill hundreds of thousands of people around the world every years, many of them being preventable. Nope. In America our dicks are limp, bodies bloated, chemicals imbalanced, and legs restless. I don't mean to harp on the US or the people who may "suffer" from these popculture maladies, but it does not set a great example abroad.
Its almost as though I don't exactly know who I am. It is a logical carousel trying to explain the notion of "true self." I am who I am but not who I want to be. There has always been a schism as few people, I think, are who they want to be, if they ever care to think about it at all. I have such hope for this life and such fear at the same time. I know that who I am now will not who I will always be, but who I will be (for better or worse) depends on who I am now, just as who I was determined who I am now. Round and round we go. So now if we know who we are and we know who we want to be, why can't they be the same? Is the want not strong enough or do we just need something to constantly aspire to? Because we could always be "better," right? If the want is not strong enough, why not? Is it external factors (ie society {the traditional fallguy}, emotional issues, shitty childhood, whatever) or are we accountable to our own wants?
Furthermore, is it a want or a need? Do we need to be who we want to be? Motion sick yet? Personally, I think its is a need. I feel like I need to be who I want to be, therefore I need to be who I need to be. But does it make a difference if its a want or a need if you still find no way to get there? Maybe this is why few care to figure it out. Its just too compicated as each successive question only gets farther from the answer. Essentially, leaving linguistic subtlety aside, I guess the real question is how do I get there? I know where I need to go, but have no map and its dark outside. Sometimes I meet rays of light and I am grateful, but I know this journey must be undertaken alone because it is unique to me. So I am left directionless and disoriented waiting for the sun to rise. But I am not without hope. I see the journies traveled down the unknown road and they are inspiring. My road will not be a highway, it will be a rural route if not a dirt path. I suppose this is were the repitious metaphor will come to an end. Ah, symbolism how fun you can be.
Thank you anyone who took the time to read this typical ramble of mine. I guess for the first time in my life I truly feel ignorant and humbled by this knowledge. Paz y amor a todos. Cuidense, Alejandro.
Its almost as though I don't exactly know who I am. It is a logical carousel trying to explain the notion of "true self." I am who I am but not who I want to be. There has always been a schism as few people, I think, are who they want to be, if they ever care to think about it at all. I have such hope for this life and such fear at the same time. I know that who I am now will not who I will always be, but who I will be (for better or worse) depends on who I am now, just as who I was determined who I am now. Round and round we go. So now if we know who we are and we know who we want to be, why can't they be the same? Is the want not strong enough or do we just need something to constantly aspire to? Because we could always be "better," right? If the want is not strong enough, why not? Is it external factors (ie society {the traditional fallguy}, emotional issues, shitty childhood, whatever) or are we accountable to our own wants?
Furthermore, is it a want or a need? Do we need to be who we want to be? Motion sick yet? Personally, I think its is a need. I feel like I need to be who I want to be, therefore I need to be who I need to be. But does it make a difference if its a want or a need if you still find no way to get there? Maybe this is why few care to figure it out. Its just too compicated as each successive question only gets farther from the answer. Essentially, leaving linguistic subtlety aside, I guess the real question is how do I get there? I know where I need to go, but have no map and its dark outside. Sometimes I meet rays of light and I am grateful, but I know this journey must be undertaken alone because it is unique to me. So I am left directionless and disoriented waiting for the sun to rise. But I am not without hope. I see the journies traveled down the unknown road and they are inspiring. My road will not be a highway, it will be a rural route if not a dirt path. I suppose this is were the repitious metaphor will come to an end. Ah, symbolism how fun you can be.
Thank you anyone who took the time to read this typical ramble of mine. I guess for the first time in my life I truly feel ignorant and humbled by this knowledge. Paz y amor a todos. Cuidense, Alejandro.
Access: Public
CLOWN (clown) Down (down) (*klawang*—>down–>down->down the stairs)
I was looking at your clown word and remembered that it spells “down” in the language of Hackers.
clown you go my friend, Into the rabbit hole!
can i carry you clown the stairs? (it even makes a noise, klawang, as it bounces down the stairs}
do you know if Gold prices have gone up or clown?
let's see… another word with “d” but also with other characters…
clate, d0m4in {“Charlie, what is your clom4iN'5 name?}, cl0N47i0n {what will be your cl0N47i0n madam? you can do it with PayPal.}, @quec1uct {the romans used to build @quec1uct5}… cj0ri11a, 1i0n, 7ebra, etc.
· · · · · · · ·
do you know what cypher / decypher means?
are you familiar with the term encryption?
Now you know how to use Google at the next new level.
I just love this ramble/rant/query Alejandro. And so the cycle goes, round and round like a washing machine begging us to finish the spin cycle and move away…yet cleansed as we come out.
The operative word is query, asking yourself where it is you are, where you might be going, what you need or don't need, what needs to be examined and what seems silly and inane in the scheme of things..
Questioning is something people rarely take the time to do…and a late Saturday night blog allows reflection of the importance or unimportance of our desires..ie: wants vs needs, where the hell am I going, who the hell am I?
The carousel is an apropos symbol of life in general…jump on and circle sound and round, little horses going up and down as we go round and round….pain, joy, love, heartache.
How do I get there?
Surrender.
Release the need to know, flow in the beauty of the moment, the tao.
While it is always perfectly acceptable to question reality, we need to release the need to hold on tightly…maps change, boundary lines blurry, yet we walk the right path, the path we will look back on and say: ah yea, it took me right where I needed to be!
Bowing to you….
with love
What she said …
No map is really necessary and the light always comes from within. Just “be” … as your Mum says … flow.
No agenda … no expectation. You'll live longer and happier if you follow these simple principles.
I recognize your pain all to well. And I think we do need to be…someone….the real question being, is the someone we think we want to be really the someone we (in some sense) came here to be. I oftern think that's where the real battle lies.
And it's true, of course, the answers are all inside you, but how do you find them under the desires, the hopes, the dreams, the anxieties, possibly even the shoulds that are in there.
Here's a real, concrete suggestion, based on my own work.
First, before you go to sleep, read what you wrote here. Then, as you are drifting off, connect with the consciousness of your body (which has all the answers) and let it know that you want to let go of whatever it can let go of that is behind this angst.
See how you are feeling when you wake up in the morning (never mind dreams, they will only side-track you). If you feel good, proceed as follows…
Make a lists of directions that might be ways you may want to go . Make sure that all the things on your lists are real possibilities, not just dreams. One by one, night after night, read one and ask your body to let you feel the energy around it.
Once again, see how you feel in the morning. make the appropriate notes and move to the next item on the list. Then, follow the path that made you feel the best.
If you don't feel so good after the request to release, Email me. I'll extend you some options.
Remember, the best we can do in the world is to be the best possible peope we can be, doing the best work we can do because our influence on others is huge and we never know what lives we may change. The cashier at WalMart can be just as important an energetic influence in the world as the person who runs the local shelter. The important thing is to grasp the essence of you.
It's in there, I promise.
Excellent, excellent advise!!!!
Thank Victoria..I am going to use this advice myself!
:)
You are blessed to have such spiritual guidance in your life, Alex. It's good to be at crossroad.. we need to be in this place sometimes because it brings us to the next level or phase in our lives.
The question I ask myself when I'm faced with a decision or have to make a choice for myself is… “is this who I really am? is this going to make me the grandest version of myself?” The answer must be a resounding Yes! “Maybe” just simply would not do because ultimately we gravitate towards that which we are most passionate about.
“Life is not about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself”
Thank you all for your comment/advice, it is always nice to hear from different perspectives. Lisa - I love that quote you had at the end. Its very profound. Prizwaller's mom- I will try what you have suggested, again thank you. Keith and enlightened.thinker, your insights are also appreciated as they have been for the last 7 and 22 years respectively.
Alejandro,
I came over here this moring on account of your mom blogging about you (you lucky devil). I do love your mom. I've been thinking about your post on and off all day now. Wondering about your wondering. I will say first that your wondering looks a lot like my own over the years, and I do mean over the years. Jeeeze.
A couple of thoughts. First, I do believe the Hokey Pokey is what it's all about. OK, that was a joke. I kind of think the merrmaidmaker knows this to be true also.
When I get mixed up (sense that I'm looking too far out at others or circumstances) I like to get back to MY basics. My truest sense of who I am and want to be. And these are things I can do all the time fortunately, regardless of whether or not my legs are restless. Be true to myself completely, bring love to EVERYONE I know, meet and beyond, kindness and compassion. These are things that I feel very strongly about, and very happy about that I don't have to look anywhere but right here and now to take care of. The kinds of things I can take all the way to the end of my life and feel greatful that I didn't let them slip by while I was looking for something else. These are not small things to me, they're the most important.
Take as much heart as you can in a couple of basics also. You are loved big time I can see that. You are creating (as in what-the-bleep!#$@#) some wonderful opportunities for yourself in school and abroad, incrediblly wonderful opportunites to participate in this world of ours. You may travel down a country-dirt-path, but you can do it with your heart wide open, with your own brand of wisdom and bring as much love to this world as you can imagine. The circumstances you find yourself in can bring no limitation to your love, absolutely none, and especially your love for life and yourself. And I don't need to quote the Beatles here, but “all you need is love”.
I am happy to know a few things about you, and enjoy sharing the examined-way-of-life with you. It's as fun as we wanna make it babes! Bring out the love-smile man!
warmest,
bobJuan.
[sorry, I know the spell checker here ain't working when it doesn't catch anything in one of my rants!].
I found you via your Mom's blog as well!
Grab a new pair of pants, just in case this one Really throws ya for a loop. ;-)
I completely disagree with Victoria. So I'm writing this from my perspective… so this is my experience. We are not separated from any level of consciousness….. so if someone instructed me to 'connect' with my consciousness… that means nothing to me. How do I connect something that isn't disconnected?
I also disagree about dreams. Dreams ARE important. (again, for me) Obviously, not ALL dreams are important, but the ones that are stand apart from the rest, to me, are.
And my bit of advice…. the path you take doesn't so much matter as how you feel about it. All paths lead to the same place. We get what we create. (A crappy path will lead you to a sewer).
Spend your time and energy creating what you *feel* is right for You. The only truth is your personal truth. Your personal truth could be Tupperware. Your truth, my truth, Victoria's truth, the guy with Restless leg syndrome's truth…. we are all equal in truth.
This is how both Victoria and I, are equally right. We are all creating our own paths and experiences. (Even the limp guy is creating his.)
Who you are…. is who you are being! The great thing is…. we can all change who we are being by making a choice to change. Life is Great, eh?
Need? Want?–Want? Need?
Which comes first… the chicken or the egg?
Nice to meet you!
Wendy
Eve aryone! Thanks for coming by and offering some insight, advice and love to Alex! He was here all day with me and just left a few minutes ago! His computer is “iffy” so I will reiterate his appreciation and he got to read everything before he went home…
You are all to kind to me and my special son…
Thank you all for being such special friends and taking the time to comment, gifting Alex and me with your love
Love you all!!!
Aley
Hi Alejandro, I found you thru your mom's blog, too. Just couldn't resist that! :)
I think you've gotten a lot of good advice, and sometimes it's as if everyone is basically saying the same thing–first and foremost an appreciation of you, and recognition of what it is like to do this thinking about our path. As humanity, we share this experience but, as you say, we have this sense that we are alone. And yet, so many of us have eventually discovered that our connectedness is the truth and our separation the illusion.
OK–my 2 cents here, and I hope it makes sense: I've learned that you don't have to know the whole destination. That takes care of itself. What is important now is, as you so clearly point out, knowing what feels right today and being able to do it. The other thing I learned is that if I really LOVE something or someone, and I want to go in that direction, then that is the sign to go in that direction. A seed grows by being nurished by so many things, and those things help the seed to expand into …whatever. The seed knows what it needs and opens to these things.
God speed! :)
I haven't really read everyone else's advice yet, but here is mine. We must always have a dream to aspire to, that is the whole purpose to life to me. I have a paper weight on my desk that say's “The journey is the reward”, and that's how I look on life. We are the creators of our own realities, so if you know who you want to be, well then start invisioning that reality already happening….create yourself to be that way, take the first step down the pathway to becoming that person! Even when you reach that point, there should still be other dreams that you wish to bring forth, for there always needs to be movement and growth. So it's left to us to keep moving forward, to keep creating or realities, and most importantly, to find the JOY in doing so. Bright Blessings my friends, you don't need to look for the occasional beams of light, for within you is greatest light source there is. All you have to do is turn on the switch and shine.
First of all Alex, you really had me chuckling with that Restless Leg Syndrome bit….because I have thought the same thing when I see those commercials on tv. I'm like, seriously?! Lol. But I digress….
I totally know where you're coming from with the whole need, want, need, want. Hapoo! I think it's a combination of both, or at least that's been my experience. I think it's all about balance. Too much of anything is not healthy, even seemingly healthy things like self-improvement, enlightenment,etc. In the world of psychology, it's called neuroticism. hehehe. Sorry, I'm feeling a little witty with the remarks this morning. :)
Anyway, I can't really contribute more than all the wonderful words of wisdom in everyone else's previous comments. Just know that as alone as you may feel, if it's any consolation, we (or at least we the zaadzters) all feel that similar alone feeling trying to figure it all out too. I know I have felt “in the dark” quite a bit lately, not having much of a clue the path my life will lead me down next. But with that anxiety also comes a passion and excitement for what the next new chapter will bring. Keep creating that “book” and living with your sense of wonder. Much love, sis :)
I am only commenting again cuz Alex's computer had a virus and am not sure he can….but know he will be reading this at some point and again I appreciate your all coming here to show your support!
Z-town rocks!
:)
Alejandro, what is Hokey Pokey?